Women's Annual Retreat
For a while now, especially these last couple of weeks, I was struggling a lot with doubts on these crosses I have to bear. It was hard for me to understand how being bipolar or having ADHD or having anxiety or orthorexia could ever possibly be redeemed. It leads to a downward spiral of despair, that feels impossible to get out of. So then the talk about bearing our crosses came, and God gave me the light that enlightened all of the doubts that I’ve been having. Father Lucas made the point that Jesus was tempted by the devil- it could could have been so much easier for Jesus if He had just given into all of the temptations that the devil was throwing at Him. Then I realized then, that if Jesus didn’t bear His cross- for all of us, for the sake of saving the whole world- He would have never had all of the world redeemed. There would have never been a resurrection. That means we would have never been saved. That means the connection between us and God would not have been made.
That is what I realized with my crosses. Some crosses we have to bear and the fruit(s) at the end is for us, personally, or it’s obvious fruit that we can see. That cross is then redeemed and a new cross comes that we must bear. There is always a redemption at the end of each cross that we bear. I came to realize that the crosses I bear will be for the sake of others. These crosses will be redeemed for the other souls that are suffering similar mental illnesses. I may never even see the resurrection at the end or the fruits that come from the crosses I have to bear- but that’s where I have to have a stronger and deeper faith that they will all be redeemed in the end.
If I don’t bear my crosses, I never even give redemption a chance to happen at all. If I would have ended my life, I would not be able to share my testimony of God’s life
saving love and all of the hope he can bring to an individual's life. Even now, if I didn’t bear my crosses and I went back to my old life and bad coping habits, I would take away any chance to be a witness of God, to speak up and show others, who are suffering in similar ways (or in any way really), that there is hope, that they do have a purpose in life, that salvation is real and possible, and so is being loved by an unconditional and merciful love- I take all that away for anyone who needs it, that I could potentially reach.
I have a new and deeper hope, faith and trust in the Lord that all of my crosses that I have to bear, for the rest of my life, will be redeemed. I have the opportunity, each God given day that I am blessed with, to bear my crosses and be an instrument and light for Christ, and I will now, and until the day that I get to be with Jesus.